Last Day in November

We made it! Congratulations.

During all of the Thanksgiving holiday festivities, I was reminded of many things that I am thankful for right now. One of the main things is so constant and obvious I am afraid I might take it for granted at times: the incredible help and support Jesse and both of our families have provided over the past few months (and before that).

Even with the distance, my mom has been a continual source of emotional support to me, and has come down quite often to cook, clean, watch the baby, etc. Jesse's parents have also been there to babysit, provide dinner, and drive us around countless times. And that's not to discount the help that Kerri, Sara, my dad, and others have offered, as well.

All that said, the one who's been through it all with me is Jesse. On Saturday night as he was leaving I panicked a little, wondering how I'd get Miette to sleep without him. Earlier that day I had poked my head around the corner to see him in the living room with her, doing push-ups over her little body, kissing her cheek every time he bent his arms. After that ceased to entertain her, he started dancing to the Christmas music, putting on a show just for her. He has dozens of other tricks to keep her happy, and sometimes it seems he's the only one who can soothe her. Thankfully my mom and I have fared alright these last few nights and hopefully Jesse's catching up on sleep.

I'm just really grateful that he has turned out to be such a fantastic father, and willing to enter into all the boring, gross, frustrating parts of parenthood right along with me - sometimes taking the lead, sometimes just supporting me in whatever way I need him to.

Thank you, Jesse! I luh you.

Does it seriously have to get dark before 5:00pm?

I love pumpkin pie. The rich, creamy texture of the pie body. The elegant blend of spices. The crust: thick, flaky, al dente. And to top it all off, a nice layer of smooth whipped cream adorning each piece.

That's really all I have to say. Other things I could write about are how I got up at noon today and had turkey for breakfast, or the two ingrown toenails I'm about to go try to correct after I post this. But I won't. Good night!

Another Quick One

Posts like this make me wonder why I even bother with the every day commitment. We had another lovely Thanksgiving dinner with friends and family tonight. Jesse is en route back to Portland and I am staying here. Baby is crying and it is bedtime, good night!

Race to the Finish

We had a busy afternoon visiting various family members up here in Seattle. Miette got pretty tired and had quite a fussy period tonight, but Jesse recently achieved victory and got her to sleep. That means it's our turn now, so I'm signing out.

More substantial posting to resume sometime next week?

Happy Thanksgiving!

We are off to Jesse's mom's house for the evening, then up to Seattle. Hope you are all enjoying the day with friends and family!

Connoisseur

"Mmmmmmm... Yet another delectable fist to partake of."

For the Grandparents

This is a video only a mother would post. Yes, I am unabashedly putting up footage of my baby making meaningless noises. Boooorrrrrrriiiiiing. But, you know, it's her newest trick. It is cute and must be documented.

I Make My Own All-Natural Laundry Detergent

Well, I am a big fan of so-called 'natural parenting.' I did a lot of reading on cloth diapering, breastfeeding, natural cleaning products, organic eating, toys and clothing made from natural fibers, baby-wearing, and more during my pregnancy. I knew, of course, that I wouldn't be able to do it all perfectly or jump into every area at once. But the basics were a given. Disposable diapers? The first 2 weeks after she was born, max, and later on for babysitters only. Formula? When the samples came in the mail I hurled them far, and with glee.

Honestly, I don't think I was too judgmental in this approach. I really don't care too much what other families choose to do, I trust they make the best choices for their own circumstances. But I had high hopes for our family. And the reality isn't aligning with my expectations. Miette has had a diaper rash for close to 4 weeks now. I've tried a few different treatments on our cloth ones to keep them from irritating her skin, but for now it only seems to be tamed by using disposables. I also bought my first can of formula this evening so we can supplement beyond what I am able to produce.

Why do these things feel like failures? Why have I resisted making changes when the way I wanted to do things clearly wasn't working and wasn't benefiting her - or my own sanity? I'm sure these are only the first, and probably most minor, adjustments I will need to make. I only hope that I can remember to see the reality before me, and keep in mind the big picture goals of nurturing and loving and meeting her needs even when it means abandoning whatever 'right' way of doing things that I may have predetermined.

So many times in life I want to know the 'right' thing to do. And to me that ultimately means the wise thing, the loving thing, the God-honoring thing. But I become so shortsighted, and I start defining 'right' as 'correct.' Because a correct answer is simple, singular, straightforward. There is one option. It can be checked off. But wisdom...not so easy. And it seems there aren't many shortcuts to growing wiser, growing more loving, growing more righteous. It takes time, and includes mistakes and detours and backtracking sometimes. I really do believe this, but it is often hard for me to remember. Hard to remember that I am not a robot. That I am not being graded in life on the things I think I am - on a curve, or otherwise - and my failing report card has already been replaced by Jesus' perfection. That making a mistake doesn't cost me points. That being a good mom does not mean being a perfect mom.

A Case of the Mondays?

We had a nice family home evening tonight. After I got home from Miette's doctor appointment, we walked to the optometrist's office to pick up my new glasses (yay!) then over to a place called the Lucky Labrador for some pizza and a game of darts. I suck at darts, apparently, but it was still fun.

These days Jesse and I are both pretty tired. I can't wait to go to bed and yet have come to dread night time. Miette has become more and more prone to night shenanigans lately, and it is a killer.
I still have fun with her and she has been especially cute lately with lots of smiles, and recently more giggling and lots of 'talking.'

But. But this little girl is sure difficult sometimes. The first 6 weeks or so, she was such a mellow, easy baby. Then when we started having the acid reflux/eating/weight gain/milk supply issues, I was convinced that we were just around the corner from solving everything. That once we sorted out whatever the main problem was, she would go back to her happy, simple self. I think I was wrong. She has a lot of opinions, it turns out, and a lot of personality. A personality best referred to as Fussypants McGee.

Some neat little quirks about our baby girl:
Loves

• She is happiest held up in the air above your head - a tiny bit of jiggling is nice, if you don't mind.
• The changing table is one of her favorite places of all time.
• Fishville (a game on Facebook) is another favorite thing.
• Chewing on her hands is a frequent fun trick.
  

Hates

• Bath time is a horror-fest any way you slice it. It's the sensation of the water that she finds displeasing.
• She always kicks off socks, and often kicks off pants if she can manage it.
• Tummy time is cruel and unusual punishment.
  

Demands

• Nursing is alright for recreation, but you can plan on warming a bottle up, too. (The sound of pyrex hitting the turntable and the microwave turning on quiets her down immediately).
• A great time for playing, talking, whining, crying, occasionally eating, and being awake for record lengths of time turns out to be between 12:30 and 6:00 am. Who knew? Please don't swaddle her, or generally try to shush, soothe, or lull her to sleep. It makes her angry.
  

I'm sure this list will change often and dramatically with time. It's fun seeing her turn into her own little person and start to interact with her environment in so many ways. And I love that I am finally in this place in life that I wanted so badly at times in the past. But in many ways I am still coming to terms with the work, sacrifice, effort, stamina, and grace that being a parent is going to require. The fatigue, frustration, worry, dirty diapers, rashes, laundry, doctor appointments, medicine administration, bottle filling, bottle washing, spit-up catching and wiping, nail clipping, rocking, soothing, holding, walking and on and on have only just begun. My perspective has been totally dismantled and is under construction. I really don't know what the end result will be, but from what I can tell, efficiency and productivity are being partially replaced/ totally redefined, and more space will have to be made for nurturing, patience, kindness, serving and humility. And sleep. Please more sleep.

Again, From the Archives

Sorry if yesterday's video was a bit hard to understand, and the beginning was cut off. Here's another:

From the Archives

Last spring Jesse found a list of poorly conceived metaphors and started reading them aloud. As he progressed, he got himself worked up into such a fit of laughter he could hardly read. I pulled out the camera and started filming:

Chastened

I went to the dentist today. It's been quite some time, and the news was not good. I'd rather not go into detail, but let's just say I'll be flossing regularly from now on. And I'll probably be seeing the dentist a few more times this month.

Typical

Halloween came at the end of a long week for us. I tried to dress Miette up as a bumblebee but this was as good as it got. She actually doesn't have deformed legs, but the socks I used in place of black tights just wouldn't stay up.

Most nights this week have been rough. Very rough. So, I'm going to try to go to bed now in hopes that I'll be alive/coherent enough to post tomorrow.

Wheels

Do any of you watch Glee? I'll admit some of the character development and plot lines have been highly suspect, and I'll also admit I've watched every episode and don't plan on stopping any time soon. I think it's the singing and dancing that get me. And Sue.

Last week focused in on Artie - a wheelchair bound character for those who don't know - and all the kids in the glee club had to spend some time in wheelchairs so they could empathize with him better. They even did a song/dance, all in wheelchairs. Jesse and I have also had the opportunity to become a bit more familiar with this form of mobility. For me it was during labor and recovery after Miette was born. For Jesse... well, it was a few months earlier.

Behold:


This was the night our nephew was born. We spent a lot of hours in the hospital. I'm fairly certain our friend Brian won the race to the end of the hallway and back (on two wheels the whole time, mind you), but they both performed well.

Here's some raw footage:

Cutting It Close

Time is running out. Laundry is plentiful. Clean clothes are few.
The sink is full of dirty dishes. The bank account is dwindling. My milk supply is low.
Baby is wide awake, mama is tired.

Ack!/{sigh}

Seoul Sisters: Chafing the Dream

Kerri and Anna are pursuing their dream of moving to South Korea. Times are a little tough in the saving-money-to-move department, but these two are staying strong and taking necessary measures to make sure it happens. Unfortunately, this means they will probably have to move back in with the parents for a while so their days in SE Portland are limited. We've had lots of fun with them living so close, and we'll have to make the most of the little time that's left.

Patriotic Hindsight

This just in: I am currently watching Stephen Colbert shave Woody Harrelson's head while the two of them sing a soulful, harmonized rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner. Absolutely stirring.

While I looked up the correct spelling of The Star-Spangled Banner (because I wasn't sure if I should include a dash) I glanced over the Wikipedia entry about the song. The original poem was written by Francis Scott Key after seeing the attack on Fort McHenry. When Jesse and I took a trip to the East Coast last May we almost went to Fort McHenry - we passed within about a mile of it. I now understand that it would have been a pretty cool thing to do. But on the day we could have gone I was busy having a pregnant-woman-emotional-breakdown and was not interested. To be fair I was also concerned about running out of gas and missing our flight. That aside: Jesse, I'm sorry we had to miss that. My bad.

Hmmm

This is guest blogger JP dusting off the old brain to give Alexis a much needed respite from her self-imposed November blogfest. How am I doing, you ask? Fine thank you. I'm feel slightly underemployed and a little sad about the gloomy weather, but overall things are pretty good. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my wife and baby the last three months and I think they are both pretty extraordinary individuals; Alexis because of her tireless care for Miette (she never seems to get bored with her and continues gushing over her throughout the day) and her ability to still take care of me even though she has to work, manage our finances, wash dishes, sleep in sporadic fits every night in between feedings, and pump life-giving serum from her mammaries several times a day. Miette is extraordinary simply because her organs continue to function and her body doesn't disintegrate. So we have a lot to be thankful for and we will prove it to the world in 12 days by glutting ourselves on large birds who sneer at the plight of chickens all year long until November when we round them all up and stuff bread up their butts. Happy Thanksgiving.

Visionary

My insurance coverage through work is going to end soon, so earlier this week I made appointments with the eye doctor and dentist. Today was the eye appointment (the dreaded dentist trip is next week - stay tuned). I forgot about the whole eye dilation thing and wasn't really prepared for it. It's kind of weird and annoying and uncomfortable. But you know what? It is way, way better than having your cervix dilated. I'd never thought of it before today, and as the comparison sprang to mind I was very grateful to only be dealing with the former.

After the exam, I was directed to a waiting area before seeing the contact fitter guy. For those of you who don't know, I am blind as a bat. My contacts were still out, and the dilated pupil fuzziness was just icing on the cake. As I sat there waiting, the receptionist asked a few simple questions. Shortly after I gave her my birthdate, she said I was free to ask any questions I would like. I thanked her, then noticed some rapid movement like she was trying to motion with her hands. Then she added the crucial verbal cue and told me she was on the phone (wearing a headset) with someone else. And it was suddenly clear that she had been the whole time.

Best Job Ever

Tonight I worked at a party with my friend Sammy. Our friend Liz's husband was hosting a work-related gathering and they needed a few people with OLCC cards to serve wine and beer. We got there a tad early to get our bearings, then spent a few hours watching politicians and other movers and shakers mingle, network, and get a little tipsy. Sammy focused on pouring the wine and I manned the keg and it was all very mellow and easy and fun.

Not expecting to have time or for there to be any food left later on, we took turns crouching in the corner with hidden small plates of the catered food jamming bites in here and there while we worked. We needn't have worried. As things were winding down the people in charge encouraged us to take more food - which was awesome, and to help ourselves to the cupcakes (from Saint Cupcake!). They paid and tipped us generously and sent us home with 6 cupcakes each, a slew of little sandwiches, and half a bottle of wine. I was also supposed to take home a wheel of brie, but it didn't end up happening. The people hosting the party and the caterers each mentioned calling us again for future events, so we made sure to leave our contact info.

After Sammy drove me home she came up for a little bit to hang out with Jesse and the baby and share that half bottle of wine. Good times. And now it's time for bed.

Mid-Week Update

Item #1: We went back to the doctor today and Miette is doing well and gaining weight. Woohoo!

Item #2: We are moving in with Sara and Tim in a month and a half. That means one more month of trotting around the Pearl District like crazy yuppies. One more month of laundry in the basement. One more month of our beloved neighbor Murray plugging away at his piano scales and vocal warm-ups; and turning the bass waaaaay up during his Mariah Carey/Michael Jackson/country/oldies/adult contemporary/you-name-it jam sessions.

Item #3: We're having a sleepover at the new house with Sara tonight! Her and Tim and Calvin are already moved in and loving it.

Item #4: Sara and I are planning to drop some new blog awesomeness on the world centered around our multi-family living adventure at the turn of the new year. Prepare yourselves!

One of those lame, obligatory posts.

So it's one of those days where I feel tired and uninspired and don't really want to try to be interesting or funny or deep or descriptive. But I have to post anyway. And it's 11:43 so time is running out. If you want something interesting, check this out.

Things I would tweet if I had a Twitter account:

• Jesse is playing Farmville on Facebook but we're supposed to be watching a movie now. Must get entertainment priorities straight!
• Just found out one of my pastors has gotten to hang out one-on-one with Wendell Berry before. So jealous!!
• Mom made Funfetti cookies for us. I guess I will gain 10 pounds by Thanksgiving, after all.
• Today I feel like Jack Bauer pumping my boobs for information.
• Ah, he's done farming. Get Smart, here we come.

Button Pusher

This morning at church I was helping out with the soundboard and ended up staying up in the balcony through the whole service. When the time came for the sermon to start, Jesse came up to keep me company. As the pastor went up to the pulpit and got started, I noticed the projector screen slowly unfurling on the back wall. "Oh!" I thought to myself, "They must be starting to use powerpoint or something..." About 15 minutes later I realized the screen wasn't being used for anything. I turned to mention it to Jesse and noticed some buttons about knee height in front of him - one had an up arrow, one said stop, and one had a down arrow.

After the service I went ahead and pressed the up arrow and put the screen away. Oops.

The Crazy Train

On Friday I made a last minute appointment with Miette's doctor because she still seemed to be agitated and in pain so much of the time and I thought maybe we could try increasing the dose on her medication. As it turns out, she isn't gaining weight the way that she should (again), and we need to take more aggressive measures to try to find out what is going on with her. We are trying a new medication, more frequent feedings, supplementing her regular nursing with expressed breastmilk, keeping her upright more often, seeing a lactation consultant, and checking back in with the doctor on Wednesday.

Thankfully none of that is too invasive in terms of her body. It is invasive in terms of our life. We may find that nothing too complicated is going on, or it might turn out that something complicated is going on. I guess those are our basic options. I'm not feeling nearly as stressed out about it today as I was last night. Just a little weary of round-the-clock vigilant baby care. Aren't things supposed to start getting simpler right around now? I must have made that expectation up out of thin air.

This mom-worry thing sure is a doozy, though. The thing about it is, I know it could be worse - way, way worse. And maybe that is just the problem. I never feel secure in things not being that bad precisely because I know they could get worse, and I often know 5-10 specific ways they could become worse at any given time. And I fear those 5-10 specific ways. I also wrack my brain (against my conscious will, of course) thinking of yet more ways. More ways that things could be worse. For instance? Drumroll, please: Miette could have totally screwed up intestines and need surgery; Miette could be kidnapped; I could have undiagnosed cancer; Jesse could have undiagnosed cancer (!); Jesse might never get a job; our apartment and all our belongings could burn down; Tobin might not return from India - ever... Need I go on?

Why this psychotic train of thought? I could be wrong, but I think it is because a part of me genuinely believes that if I can anticipate the bad things, think of them first, then a) they won't happen or b) I'll be one step ahead in thinking of ways to solve or cope with the bad things. But it is a futile game. I know people, dozens of people, for whom life has gone tragically wrong at some point or another. I can think of examples of real people who have faced most of the things that I fear. These examples violently sweep away any suggestion that I can expect God to keep me safe. To keep me sheltered from loss and pain and hardship. If He is my only hope, my only true security, and I can't count on Him to protect me and the people I most love from all harm, what then? The short answer is: I don't know.

Even still, I am not without hope, not without comfort, not without help. But it is elusive, complicated, difficult to describe clearly and logically - or even helpfully right now, it is too late at night and my brain is tired. I wish it were easier. I wish it were clearer. I wish that my hope and my faith and my words were more solid. As it is, they are just enough. Just enough for right now. Good night.

Tough Day at the Office

The doctor's office, that is. It turns out some of my fears weren't so far fetched, after all. Still, it doesn't seem like there's anything too drastic going on, just some issues that need to be investigated/solved.
So it looks like we have another high maintenance week ahead of us, and the lessons about letting go of fruitless anxiety and trusting God continue...

Never-Nude

This morning when the baby woke up I changed her diaper before feeding her. Her pajamas and onesie seemed a little damp and smelly so I put them in the hamper, only to realize there wasn't another sleeper handy that fit her. She's between sizes and I haven't switched out the clothes in her drawer that don't fit her anymore with the next size up.

Anyway, I figured it was a nice opportunity for some skin-to-skin cuddling that people say is so beneficial. Except that she didn't like it. Surprisingly, she seemed really uncomfortable and put off by the lack of clothes - like having the fabric touching her everywhere is some kind of grounding sensation that gives her security.

Later when I told Jesse about it he offered to get her a tiny pair of cut-off jean shorts to wear all the time*. That image will keep me laughing until January, I think.


*Arrested Development, anyone?

I'll Miss These Days When They're Over

Miette may have started out a mild, easy baby, but I believe she's drifted away from the straight and narrow. Of course, she's probably still not the most difficult of babies, either, and she has started smiling and cooing, which is fun. But the whining, arching, screaming, squirming, grunting, writhing, gasping, flailing, and kicking she manages to fit into each 24-hour period is breathtaking. I'm sure there's good reason for it almost always, but I want so badly to fix it, and it keeps me on my toes.

Sometimes I think I have to assume that her vocal discontent is directly proportional to her discomfort, that she does indeed spend most of her time in pain - due to reflux, diaper rash, gas, etc. Other times I try to construct a thicker psychological skin for myself, conjecturing that there could be any number of reasons for her cries, doing my best to anticipate her basic needs and refusing to think too much about the haunting possibility of being tiny, in pain, unable to communicate or do anything at all of my own volition.

Last week, when Jesse was sick, was long and tiring. I think the hardest part of it, though, wasn't necessarily being the only one on baby duty for so long - it was the worry. I was afraid she would catch the flu. I was afraid I would catch the flu and then give it to her. I was afraid of what might happen if she got sick. I was worried her reflux medication wasn't working. I was worried there was something more wrong with her. I was worried she would get a fever and I wouldn't notice it soon enough. I could go on and on with various causes for anxiety. By the time my mom got to town and offered to take care of her in the night so I could sleep, I was so conditioned to worry that I couldn't turn it off. I woke up in the wee hours, unable to go back to sleep, wondering if she was still breathing, wondering if I should go check on her, thinking about what I would do if she died.

Her increased fussiness over the last month or so has been wearing in and of itself, certainly, but I think it has both triggered and revealed something deep inside me that I will have to wrestle with for the rest of my life: my discomfort with my utter lack of control. I've come up against it before, but never with the force I'm experiencing now. The depth of love I feel for her is necessary to get through the middle-of-the-night wakings and afternoons of crying and days of having only the scantest slivers of free time to brush my teeth, pay rent, or eat half a bowl of cereal. (And did I mention the bushels and bushels of laundry soaked with spit up?) But it makes it that much harder to entrust her, the helpless and vulnerable object of that love, to the Lord. Every. Single. Day.

The Many Faces of Miette

Where Are You Going, Smitty Baby?

How cute is this book? If you like babies, or creative books, or have a sense of cuteness, I urge you to check it out.

Peas In A Pod

Here I Go Again

November strikes again! This is the traditional month for posting every single day - lucky you! The last 3 years have been fun (Year 1, Year 2, Year 3), and I've been terribly inconsistent with writing over the past 10 months, so I thought doing it again would be a great way to jump back into regular posting.

In other news, Jesse is feeling much better - his fever has been gone for more than 24 hours and neither Miette nor I have started experiencing any symptoms yet so I think we may be in the clear. My mom is in town for a few days and volunteered to do night duty with the baby last night and tonight so Jesse and I are loving the extra dose of sleep. That's actually where I'm headed at the moment - good night!