We're Doing Business Here

You may or may not remember me posting this last December.

Here are three more treasures. The last one is my favorite. Enjoy!

*Discovered via Joshua Blankenship*

No Hay Problema

My brother is hosting a radio show tonight up in Bellingham on KUGS from 12:00-2:00am. He just played No Hay Problema by Pink Martini and dedicated it to me/the rest of the family. That made my night. ☺

Seasick

The best thing that happened all week occurred on Friday morning. I was heading into work and Francine called and said the most encouraging thing I could have imagined. My memory of the conversation is imperfect, but it went something like this:

"Okay, so you know when there is a really bad storm out in the ocean, and the waves get really big and high? And if you’re in a boat, it’s rocking wildly and it gives you motion-sickness?"

I’m thinking, Yeah, okay, storm-at-sea, nothing terribly exciting here…

"Well, I’m not trying to give you the whole 'when there is a storm at sea…' cliché thing, I’m here to say we’re dealing with seasickness. And no matter how bad it is, freaking out will only make it worse. This is normal, this is reality. I don’t want to quote verses and give you a bunch of crappy sayings meant to cheer you up. I’m sorry it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, but I just want to say that this is the way it is. And I’m there with you. And it will get better eventually, but we just have to wait it out. Because there’s no way to fix it. So, we’re in this together, we’ll just keep puking our brains out…"

I know this might not make sense, but for some reason, it was the perfect thing. It was an acknowledgement that nothing makes sense, that the world is swerving and spinning, that gravity doesn’t seem trustworthy and making decisions is impossible and I can’t trust my own judgment in any matter greater than picking out a pair of socks in the morning. So, starting with the assumption of near-incapacitation, the basic functioning that’s been required of me over the last 6 weeks seems more legitimately to be the heroic feat that it has felt like at times.*

This is not meant to alarm anyone. During the times when I appear somewhat normal I don’t think I’m faking it (except at work) – I don’t always feel like I’m in crisis, and if I’ve spent time with you and seemed to have a good time, I probably did. It’s just that way deep down inside, I’m kind of a total disaster.

And it’s not the culture, or the job, or this, or that, it’s just… everything? Nothing is wrong. But everything feels wrong, because I feel wrong. For now, swearing helps sometimes. And talking with a few people who feel, or have felt, exactly the same way helps. And time will help, I think. So thanks for bearing with me. I’ll just be here, leaning over the rail a little while longer.



*I know that sentence is unforgivable. Sorry.

I Am Going To Make It Through This Year If It Kills Me

I’ve been listening to this song a lot recently. Most (but not all) of the lyrics are completely irrelevant, but the general sense of the song motivates and rejuvenates me almost without fail.

Other than that, though, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy.

Overwhelmed. Irritable. Tired. I am the before-treatment blob in the Zoloft commercials. A few days ago an email I wrote to a friend included the following:

‘…I would love with all my heart to be able to say that the post-STINT transition is going well, that life is getting settled, etc. But it's just not true. I hate my job. I am exhausted. I have no idea what to do with my life. I have been having a generally good time with friends when I see them, but I feel so incredibly scattered and out of place. I cried almost every day this week, at least when people weren't looking…’

Is this PMS-related? Maybe.

I’m thinking about some different job options, because, to be honest, I’m not sure that where I am at is the healthiest place for me to be right now. But I also wonder, if I’m the one that’s all jacked up, is a change in environment really going to do much?

Trivial things have been making me mad. Like traffic. And automated answering systems when I try to call a store or government agency. And the fact that the desk that is on sale at Target is sold out and unavailable at all 10 Western Washington stores. And (and!) the stupid Darjeeling Limited release date was only for 2 theaters in NYC, and who knows if it will ever come to Seattle at all.

Are these the real issues? Of course not. But the real ones are either not appropriate to lay out in this forum, or still so mixed-up and tangly and undefined that I can’t even hope to put them into words.

One thing I must say is that I have awesome friends. These friends have been patient and kind and gracious. They have called to say hello, to see how I’m doing, to speak in soft, gentle, peaceful tones, and have not complained when I have sucked at communicating. For that I am very grateful.

A Text Message From Mike:

"OMG i just passed a black mom telling her daughter who looks four "Oh hell no. Hold up, momma gotta piss too." ...Klassy."


Thank you, Mike. Klassy, indeed.